Wings Like an Angel

A few weeks ago, there was a great big thunderstorm and Madison is very afraid of thunderstorms. Normally she just lays in my bed while I get ready.  But this morning, because she was scared, she wanted to come into the bathroom with me while I got ready. She was very scared and told me that she wanted to go see baby Chase.

I immediately took heed and listened carefully.  I hugged her, and as if I needed more evidence that God is real, she started to say some amazing things.  Keep in mind...we’ve never really talked about where heaven is or anything like that.  When we talk about Chase, we simply say that he is in heaven. 

So I responded, "Oh you want to see baby Chase?  He is in heaven."

Madison then said, "I want to go up to the sky, and I want to go see him."  I did suddenly recall that we had done the "Walk to Remember" Chase in October, and at the end of the walk, we did a balloon release.  Madison must have remembered the balloon release and rationalized that heaven is in the sky.

I almost started to cry, but I kept it together. I smiled and told her, "I want to go see him too."

She said, "I want to get wings like him. I want to have pink wings so I can go up and see him."

How she would know that a child has wings in heaven, that angels have wings, I do not know. But she does.  And even at her little age of three, never knowing her baby brother, she missed him.  And she found it comforting that he was in heaven - a place that she too wants to be someday.

God often speaks to us through those who are truly innocent and sweet to give us evidence of his reality and his existence in our lives - that he is watching out for us.

Madison's sweet words and the image of baby Chase with his beautiful wings gave me such comfort.  And knowing that we have spoken of God and heaven in such a way that she knows in her heart that it's a place she wants to be someday...that is all a part of God's plan.  I am thankful that we have been able to use our experience to teach our children about the joys and beauty of heaven.  I pray for everyone that it doesn't take loss or pain to move you to speak with others about our Savior, but when those things come along...know that God has a purpose for them.  And if losing Chase means I can eternally save my three living children eternally, then Chase served a purpose far greater than I in this world.

Looking Forward to 40

In February of next year I will be 39 years old.  For some this may be a scary time, a year of
painful anticipation of that milestone called "40".  For me, it is a year of looking forward to the best that is yet to come.  Because over the past few years God has brought me so much joy that I know the future only holds that much more joy.  I know this because as the years have gone by and I have given Him more of my heart, He has returned to me only that much more joy.

In the past six months, I have gone through the most painful experience of my life, the loss of an infant son.  But through that, I have already begun to see some of God's miracles, some of the pieces of the puzzle, some of the outcomes from that life altering occurrence. 

I think the number one thing I've learned in the past six months, though it may sound a little backwards, is that I must put myself first in some situations.  Not first above God, but just first on this earth.  That I must care for myself.  In the past, I have always seen putting my own needs above anyone else's, for any reason, as a negative thing.  When in fact, I have come to realize that taking five minutes to enjoy my morning cup of coffee, taking an extra 10 minutes to spend a little extra time on my hair, or taking five minutes in the evening to paint my fingernails, makes me feel good. And where it may not have any impact on anyone else directly, the impact is the confidence that I feel, the happiness and self-satisfaction that I feel, that I can then outwardly display those things: be a better mom, be a better wife, be a better co-worker, be a better boss, be a better friend.

And so, as I near 40, as I ponder the amazing things that are yet to come, the amazing miracles, the challenges, the pain, the laughter, I look forward to it all because I know that God is bringing it all into my life.  Allowing it to happen, so that His greater plan for me and for those that I impact will come to pass.

Fasting Today

So I returned to work this week. And it's been, well...tough. Not because of the work (though I admit my heart hasn't been in it as it used to be), but because I miss my kids. I miss the life I had with them at home. I was very angry with God this weekend, and I feel He let me down in some areas. I feel like I also let Him down too though.

So I started asking Him this week, what do I do to get my swagger back? To get back the passion I felt last year or the passion I felt just after Chase passed. For some reason, I was so spirit filled and in love with God just after Chase passed. But then I feel it started to fade. I want to trust Him, I want to crave Him, I want to follow Him. And yet here I am with these dreams that seem like they will never come true. And He could make them come true.

So when a friend at work came to my office to visit (she always seems to show up just when I need spritual encouragement) and discuss something going on in her life...I listened carefully. She mentioned that she'd fasted for this situation...and then I stopped listening. Because I knew I needed to do it too.
Since so many wonderful things were happening in my life and my heart two years ago when I started fasting, I figured maybe this was a way to draw closer to God. I was right.

I picked up a couple of bottles of Naked juice from Kroger and mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I only fast for a day...but when you wake up at 5:45 to get 3 kids ready, drive two and a half hours a day into downtown Houston, then do homework, dinnner, games, etc with 3 kids...no food for even one day is a monumental sacrifice. So I got my juice, which I sip through the day, and I was ready.
I woke up this morning EXHAUSTED. Mentally and physically. I have no idea why, other than to think that the return to work was taking its toll. As I got in the shower I thought, I can't do this. I have a huge  presentation to prepare, I am so tired, and I just won't have the energy. So I thought, I will just do it tomorrow.

But then it hit me...isn't thinking, "I can't do it" what it is all about? It is for me anyway...I know that during my fasts I have had to lean on God to give me the strength to make it through the day, that my mind was filled with so many thoughts of Him, that I read scripture more, and that I prayed harder. What better time than today to show Him that I am still His. That I will not let the enemy keep me from leaning on God and trusting him to see me through this day. I anticipate a lot of emotion today, but hopefully I will emerge stronger and more faithful.